I always hoped New Year's Eve would be some magnificent and incredible night of romance and fun when I was a teenager. Usually it would be a group of us in someone's rec room and I was the one dating the gay boy (his cover) so the romance didn't really work out too well either until university when I met the fella who is now my husband.
When we were dating and then newlyweds we often worked New Year's Eve. As a junior reporter in the newsroom that meant overtime for me and being the only one on the night shift, all by myself listening to the police scanner. I was never sure if I wanted something terrible to happen so I could have a crack at a big front page story or if I wanted it to just be quiet as it was.
We moved back west after university and embarked on parenthood so our hogmanay celebrations were home with a movie and some treats for ourselves. Romantic enough for this homebody. And now, after losing our baby George in May, I find myself longing for ordinary and not really wanting to let go of 2009. In some strange way I feel that in ticking over to 2010 I'm moving even farther away from what little time we had with our George. I don't want to have only the memory of my child - I want him back in my arms - and the more time that passes the more that reality of only having the memories of him hits me I guess.
I'm hoping and praying for everyone to have a kinder and gentler 2010. So many of the babylost mothers I've met through blogs are particularly on my mind and in my heart as I know they are struggling not only with grieving their lost babies, but some with infertility and subsequent babyloss. For all of you especially I pray for miracles and healing and hope.
I'm going to miss hearing all the ships in Burrard Inlet off Vancouver blaring their horns at midnight tonight. Now that we're in the Fraser Valley I guess it will be shouts of jolly neighbours as we peer out toward the mountains in the darkness. Here's a song I've been listening today from one of my very favourite bands, Great Big Sea, that seems to be exactly my hope for 2010. I want ordinary days back and I need to keep the faith and be proud that I might fall, but I won't lie down:
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A Final Goodbye
12 years ago
13 comments:
I hear you... in a way I don't want the year to end, yet , it can't end fast enough for me.
Though technically, none of my losses happened in 2009, it was still a terribly difficult year. Probably the worst of my life and that's saying alot considering what happened in 2005 and in 2008. :( I think it's because I was alone.
p.s. at midnight my time, (so about 10 pm your time) I have a big change coming up on my blog, so come by if you have a moment!
I feel so much for you, Ter. Thinking of you and on my way over to check out your changes. xo
Hoping 2010 is kind and gentle on you, Karen. Enjoy the quiet time tonight.
Karen...I keep meaning to call, and then life happens! Know that it isn't because I don't want to that I haven't done it. Because believe me...I WANT TO! :o) Wishing we could have met under happier circumstances....but so glad to be getting to know you. It seems so unfair that life keeps moving along...farther away from the babies we love. so surreal.
Thank you for understanding. thank you. Here is to a healing 2010 for us all.
Happy New Year! Karen, I've been feeling a little wistful for 2009 too. Time moving along, moving away, from our babies.
With lots of love xxx
Karen, you put it so perfectly. I had a hard day yesterday and an even harder evening, but I think you nailed it. I want to move on,but I don't want to move away from my baby either. x
A kindler and gentler 2010...that sounds perfect.
Love to you, Karen.
I had a hard time letting this past year go too. Wishing and hoping and praying that 2010 is a much better year for us all. ((HUGS))
Karen,
I know what you are saying. I feel farther and farther from E with every passing season. I actually love winter because I can hole up and nobody takes notice. I pray for a long winter. :)
I hope this year brings joy and peace for you.
Peace, my friend.
it's amazing when i wrote earlier today, i hadn't read this yet. but the feelings are so similar. i called it "kathlyn's year." how could i keep calling it the worst year of my life, when it was her only year? my little princess.. :,(
for me, it was half and half. first half, lovely. second half, not so much.
Here's to a sea of opportunity in whichever for you wish for 2010! We all deserve it!! Thinking of you and your family!With love,
Brandy
Hoping for a kinder and gentler 2010 too. I think we all deserve it.
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