The Secret Garden Meeting - September

What has helped you through out this new life the most? Is it your family? your faith? Support groups? A ritual? Music? Physical activity? A new interest? It could be anything. Tell us about how whatever it is has helped you. Please feel free to share photos,videos, websites, support group information and so on.


I like the positive focus of this month's topic, probably because I've been feeling really rough the last few weeks. It's been nearly five months since our baby boy George died during my labour; he was full-term and the only cause for our healthy babe's death seems to be cord compression.

I feel as though I'm scrambling and just getting through day by day, moment to moment at this point. I have to say that other mothers have been a tremendous support to me since George's death. Immediately after he died the mothers I was friends with where we used to live (because we'd bought a house and arranged to close and move at the end of June) and older women from the Catholic parish I attended were amazing. I am still overwhelmed by their kindness and caring at such a difficult point. And of course my husband; without him at my side these last few months I don't know what I'd have done. That goes without saying. But in our journey of grief, from my perspective, things that stand out most in mind that were endlessly helpful and comforting for our family's grief include mostly people:

• A grandmother from our parish called me in hospital two days after George had died and suggested that I change our home voicemail to let callers know that there was no happy update on our babe's birth - this would allow my husband not to answer the phone, let people know we needed a bit of time, and get the word out that our boy had died. She kindly offered that we leave her name and number for anyone offering to help so she could co-ordinate things so that we had meals arriving at different times and dates and also people who wanted to help could be recruited for the reception after our son's funeral Mass. I cannot say what a help this was as it hadn't occurred to us to change the outgoing message. So simple. "As many of you know we were waiting to welcome a new baby to the family. We have sad news to share. George Patrick Andrew was born into eternal life... Please understand we need time to focus on our other children and help them grieve. If you want to help, please call Gwen at XXX-XXX-XXXX." And it bought my husband time and let him avoid retelling the story over and over - and often in front of our grieving four older children.
• Mothers from the school stepped in and made lunches for our two oldest boys and our preschooler's snack. I have to add here that what touched me most was that Madeleine was newly arrived to Canada from South Africa and we'd only known each other a few weeks and Erica and I had only known each other through the playground for a year. It was such a help because my husband didn't have to figure out what to pack (and remember to pack it) and the kids actually looked forward to the other lunches.
• Several mothers made meals for us and dropped them off. My lovely friends Rio and Catherine dropped off magnificent, healthy, nutritious meals and Rio also added in a bunch of snacks and quick-fix meals. As I was kept in hospital four days this was a big help and also enticed people who weren't feeling hungry to eat. Many other mums at the school made meals for us and I wish I could name them all but my husband didn't take notice of names as he was busy just trying to keep things going. Other mothers helped with drop-off and pick-up of the older ones and our dear friends Mikelle and her mother Betty - oh, I'm crying thinking of them - were amazing. They took the preschoolers for my husband for the first few days and for any times we needed help with childcare in the weeks ahead. They're family, really. I love them so much for being there for us and only hope we can repay their kindness. My good friend Laura, ditto, took the older two for us when we had to go make funeral arrangements when I was released from hospital. She'd also had all the children with her when I was in labour and gave them such TLC knowing that we'd lost the baby but not letting on to our children.
• My midwives who helped me push out my baby who didn't cry and then loved my husband and I through the first few moments of saying good bye. I'm indebted for their care and kindness and compassion - especially searching to find me sage tea to help reduce my milk supply.
• So many women from church and so many from the school prepared a lovely reception to follow our George's funeral Mass. There was so much food, more than enough to feed everyone who came and then some.
• The pianist and choir from St. Paul's volunteered their time and came to play and sing beautiful hymns for our George on a weekday morning. A family we knew excused their two daughters from school to be altar servers; we've watched Angela and Pamela as they've grown into young women and it was so touching to have them helping the priest at the Mass.
• The Sisters of the Child Jesus coordinated all the details for us at the church, which was more than a blessing because we went to a mission church and as non-natives at this First Nations mission were without a funeral coordinator (usually a band person takes care of arrangements) and our priest was away on holiday. Another priest helped us out to have the Mass during the time my father and his wife had flown to be with us - and brought my sister along. My sister Lisa - what a blessing to have my little sister come and help - for practical reasons and emotional. I love my sister and all the comfort she's been over the months, but especially the week of the funeral. I'd had such anxiety the week in hospital when nothing seemed to be coming together for our child's funeral and then everyone stepped in and it was a beautiful service.
• Several elders of the Squamish Nation blessed us with a blanket ceremony, which I wrote about in an earlier blog post. It was so kind, so full of love, and I still feel wrapped in their care whenever I sit wrapped in our blanket or just look at it where it has a place of honour in our sunroom. I miss all these friends from our old community so much; I really felt supported by them and able to grieve openly with these older women. It's been so hard being away from them and starting over somewhere new. The funds collected for us paid for most of the funeral costs, which was more than helpful since we'd put every penny into buying our first house and were weeks from closing.
• When I had to have a D&C the week after the funeral, another lovely grandma from our parish, Jan, coordinated another round of meals to be delivered for a week. Cookies, treats, and full meals were dropped off by so many generous and kind women. I love them all and my children miss them arriving with yummy food. Some of it even tempted me to eat.
• Neighbours from our old street heard the news and brought baked muffins, as did some of the women I knew from La Leche League. Sometimes I didn't even know I was hungry until I'd start picking at a muffin. If they hadn't brought us food I wouldn't have fed myself anything in that first horrible month of shock.
• Friends from my past who have checked in with me on Facebook in the months since George's death have been such a comfort - and many times it's surprising to me who it is that I am hearing from after our loss. I'm a military brat and grew up moving roughly every two years of my life so some of these people - and many are men I went to school with - I haven't actually seen in more than two decades. The same with some distant cousins who have been regularly in touch with me and let me know they're there and my father's late first wife's family who have been so loving and kind and yet we're not related by blood. And yet they've emailed in recent weeks to check in and some have called and listened while I cried and yet people I thought would be there (more "current" friends and several close family members on my father's side) have been noticeably absent.
• Letters from the charities that we had asked people to donate to in lieu of flowers in memory of our George. We've had a few beautiful letters from the hospital foundation and enough people donated to perinatal care that we will have a star on the wall of memory with George's name. Tim Hortons Children's Charities wrote and has promised a list of donors so that we can write thank you notes. I heard from family and friends who were donating to Midwifery BC in George's memory. It's such a comfort to know that our baby has been remembered.
• Babylost blogging mums, my bereaved mum friend, Ellie and Bernadette at Morning Light Ministries. I owe you my life and my sanity. After we moved and I was here on my own, my husband now commuting and working longer hours, reality hitting me like a semi-truck loaded with concrete, I had no adults and four little people relying on me to get up and keep on. I truly thought I was going to lose my mind. If I hadn't connected with Ellie by Facebook and known of her loss of seven babies, talked with Bernadette by phone, and then stumbled across Sally's blog Tuesday's Hope and very quickly after heard from Mirne, I sincerely think I'd have cracked up. Just knowing there were others out there who had gone through this and reading your stories kept me going. And it still does.

And as I run through all the loving people who have been there for us during this horrible time, I listen to the CD my husband made for our George. It has sustained me as well. The beautiful songs to listen to and cry or smile through my tears. And reading. And knitting.

I hope someday I can pay all this kindness forward.