Wishing

I haven't blogged in ages. Ages.

In early July my husband was unexpectedly laid off - and his employers were particularly sneaky in making it a "temporary" layoff so there was no severance. It was a real blow after the year we've had. Baby dies, I'm not working much, when I work I get shorted by the friend's husband I did work for (basically worked for free for about three months).... My husband's work had first declared they wouldn't pay for overtime (but he still had to work it), then reduced his work week to four days a week and then three....he was only back to full time a short while when he was laid off.

It sent me sideways.

Worst of all was that just days before he was laid off I suspected I was pregnant. I was, but didn't tell my husband until he had a job offer he accepted in August. It was just too stressful and I didn't want to add to his stress.

Fall has been busy and happily I've had more and more freelance writing work for a corporate client that is ideal - reliable and nice to work with. Still we've had more stresses and at times I feel tired of the constant one step forward, two steps back.

The pregnancy for our rainbow baby is going well - but it's small comfort because George's pregnancy went well right up until the moment during my labour that his cord got compressed and he died in minutes. I know so many other wonderful women who have lost their rainbow babies and my sister's friend lost her second child to a cord accident before Christmas....it is heartbreaking to be aware of how common infant loss is in our generation. I sometimes feel like the voice of gloom and doom among other mothers who still really believe that a positive pregnancy test results in a living, breathing baby to bring home to outlive them. It's especially hard when people are convinced that babies only die "for a reason" and I get to pop that bubble with statistics.

Baby is due St. Patrick's Day, which made me weep when I did the dates from my charts (and then had them confirmed by the ultrasound). Given that both our families are of Irish background that seems a very special due date. Plus, since our baby was George Patrick it seems even that much more auspicious.

So one day at a time. I'm sure some people don't understand but everything is different after baby loss. Everything.

I find myself wishing I could change the events of 2009 and 2010. Wishing I didn't feel I have my eyes wide open and clear vision to the reality others doubt. And most of all wishing for all of us a kinder and gentler 2011.