Child's play and dead dollies

A few weeks ago playing dolls with my three-year-old took a dark and sad turn.

Her baby died.

She had been given a newborn baby doll by a lady we knew where we used to live and immediately loved this little hard plastic dollie. For days she carted it around and it was definitely her new favourite. We were playing at mothering when suddenly I noticed her baby was on a shelf.

"Why's your baby up there?" I asked her.

"Oh. She died," she responded somberly, staring sadly at me with her big blue eyes. I felt panicked and upset by her news and my first instinct was to deny her this dead baby doll. I desperately wanted to change this reality and make it happy, restoring the scene to happy play with living baby dolls. And then I thought, wait a minute. This is her reality. And so I responded to her the way I appreciate people responding to news of my dead baby.

"I'm so sorry," I said, trying not to cry because it's just too dreadful that my baby girl is playing bereaved mum.

"Thank you," she said graciously. "It's very sad. She died. She's never coming back."

"I'm so sad to hear that," I replied. "Is there anything I can do?"

And we talked our way through death and coping with babyloss. It gives me goosebumps to remember it. It weighed heavily on my mind and I was very uncertain if I'd handled things the best way. I'm so worried that my grief will overpower my children and warp them in some way. Are they fixated on babies dying because of my sorrow and how I'm coping? Certainly I've had people say that we should just be happy and ensure the children think it's wonderful their baby is safe in heaven, criticizing us for acknowledging that our baby's death is awful and "continuing" to be sad (because of course being sad for as long as a whole year is just so completely crazy to so many people - who I surmise have never themselves faced loss of a loved one).

Our small local infant loss group happened to have a guest speaker the next week whose expertise is children and grief or trauma. I missed the first part of her talk because I had to be at a function with our primary grade son but my husband was there and took great notes. I arrived in time for the informal question and answer and my first question for her and our group was about my daughter's dead baby doll.

The speaker listened to what had transpired and I cannot articulate my relief when the first thing she said was, "I can't tell you how healthy it is for your daughter to express this in play." She went on to explain how preschoolers will try to understand life events through play and that the way I responded was absolutely and totally loving and healthy.

She said that had I denied that her baby died or tried to change the storyline and make the baby live again that it would have negated our daughter's grief and sent mixed messages about coping with infant loss. I responded to her the way I would actually respond to a bereaved mother in real life, which is teaching my wee girl how to deal with her grief and the sorrow of other people.

I asked her if we should resurrect this baby doll because it makes me sad that this favourite toy is still lying on a shelf. She advised us to let our daughter decide what happens. She said she wouldn't be surprised if one day the baby doll is back in play but as a different baby - perhaps a new outfit allowing for the doll to be another baby in our daughter's mind.

For now that baby doll is still, as I write this, dead. Like my daughter's baby brother. It's a harsh reality to cope with really.

:: ::

The speaker had some interesting information on children and grief that I'm happy to share with other bereaved parents if you are interested. What we found most interesting is that we should expect our children to re-experience their grief at each new stage of development as their understanding of their baby brother's death changes as they grow.