Grief gender discrimination

We had a bittersweet celebration for George's Angel Day. The older siblings were truly happy to have a birthday party for their baby brother and sang their little hearts out at dessert. We took them out for lunch at a little restaurant at a small airport. We watched small planes land and take off against the backdrop of majestic West Coast mountains. It was sunny and warm and the sky was blue and endless. They laughed and wondered what George would have been like had he lived and I cried a bit at their wondering and my own.

On our drive to the lunch my husband shared with me something that has driven me crazy ever since. He had booked the 19th of May, George's day, off work months ago. As the date drew near the woman at their office who tracks holiday time decided to interrogate him as to why he would take a Wednesday off.

Like it's any concern of hers. But. She's a busybody.

I was surprised that my husband actually gave her a reason. He works in the arts, not some other corporate realm where cordial niceties are the norm. They are pretty, erm, frank with one another and he's a quiet soul with a will of steel (not shy, just a man of few words). I'd have bet he'd have just stared at her with his blue eyes and said frustratingly, "Because I did."

But he didn't. He shared with her that it was the anniversary of our youngest son's death. She had actually joined their company after our baby died in 2009, but she knew about it because she started work the week of George's funeral and the rest of the office and even some of the LA people came to our infant's service.

This woman, in some what I can only guess is misplaced feminist rhetoric gone horribly wrong, announced to my husband - and I can't remember her exact wording - that he didn't need to take the day off. Because he didn't carry our baby he can't possibly be as sad as I am.

I was livid. Incensed. I know she works in a male-dominated sector of this industry and I know she regularly asserts herself. I'm sure she meant to maybe uphold the grief of the woman and yes I carried our baby and my experience is physical as well as emotional. But. Really? To negate his right to grieve the death of our baby? That is just wrong. So, so, so woefully ignorant.

I can't imagine if when I next encounter this woman that I'll be able to hold my tongue. I want to email her or drive in there now and set her straight.

It really upsets me that this coworker could say to my husband that our child's death does not affect him as deeply as it does me. She cannot possibly believe that it is okay to attempt to quantify grief or judge a mother's grief more important or greater than a father's.

It makes me angry that people feel entitled to act as some sort of grief police. Set limits. Tell us what is acceptable and what is not. How to grieve and when. Or pass verdict about whose grief is more important or deserved or appropriately handled. I guess what really pains me is that she said this out loud to my husband, who I know grieves deeply. He's been hurt so badly by what's happened that I hate to think of him hurting more.

We both lost our baby boy. Grief is grief and pain is pain. A parent is a parent, regardless of gender.